Things I have said

Whether I said it in the middle of an argument, at work or in a passionate embrace, here is a list of the ridiculous things I have said.

When my FWB suggested I start seeing other men.

  • I feel like you are sending me on a scavenger hunt when I’ve already found the prize.

At work when discussing slang.

  • I had to use Urban Dictionary to look up what “shortie” means.
  • Let me just youtube a video of what twerking is.

In the heat of the moment; I killed that moment.

  • Look at my new ruffle butt underwear! I’ve wanted a pair of these since I was a kid.
  • Him: Did you remember to get your birth control? Me: Yes, but vote for Romney and you will take that right away from me.

During an interview with a marketing firm.

Me: I have a different style of writing, fun and sarcastic. Then again, when you blog you can say anything.

Him: You have a blog? (pulls up the internet on the big screen) What is the address?

Me: (flushed with red) Oh my god, no. It’s about dating.

Other guy: Oh, I love eating.

Me: No. DATING.

To customers coming through my grocery store line.

  • I thought you were wearing pajama pants for easy access.
  • How young is too young? (Said to a really hot 70 year-old man)
  • Do you mind if I rub this cilantro on my face? It’s so soft!
  • Oh my god, I love our chicken pot pies. They are so creamy. I love creamy things.
  • This sure is a lot of wine. Don’t worry, we don’t judge here.
  • I just think you are so sweet that I get light-headed when you are around. That is probably on the account of my diabetes.

To customers ordering beer at my station at a concert

Man: I need two beers.

Me: Are you thirsty?

Man: Ha, no. One is for my girlfriend.

(He takes his beers and walks away. 20 minutes pass and he comes back with his girlfriend.)

Man: (Points to girlfriend) This is my girlfriend.

Me: (acting shocked) You never told me you have a girlfriend!

Girlfriend: (slaps man) You’re sleeping in the dog house!

 

Man: Where is the restroom?

Me: (pointing to the ground beside me) Right here… I like to watch.

Man: (nervously) Heh. Okay.

Me: (pointing to actual bathrooms) Over there.

Manager: How do you like the job so far?

Me: I love it! I am really enjoying getting paid to flirt with men all night.

 

Factory-Made Romance

I used to work in a car manufacturing factory. My stint in the auto industry lasted me 4 fulfilling months, where I learned I could maybe be loved again someday.

When I set my eyes on a guy I find attractive I usually get what I want. It doesn’t take me very long to get the attention of my crush, batting my eyelashes, laughing at his hilarious (offensive!) jokes, showing interest in his “band.” Men love to be complimented and I am a pro at doing it.

I went into work one day, feeling pretty good about looking good in jeans, t-shirt, and steel-toe boots. Not very many people can rock that look. Going into the section of the plant my crew worked we found out our machine would be shut down for the day, and we were moved to another part of the factory to work on a new car part.

Working, I noticed a young man I hadn’t seen before driving around my work area on a fork-lift. He was very attractive, dark hair, goatee, red t-shirt. He waved at someone he knew, flashed an adorable smile. Luckily I was working next to a Drew Carey-like fella that the fork-lift driver knew, so when he stopped to talk to his friend I was pleased.Drew moved* on to another part of the machine around the corner and I took over for him. Goatee stuck around, chatting with me about music, working at the factory, and general niceties. I was smitten. My entire crew could tell I was smitten.

This should read "Caution: If you don't look both ways before crossing in a factory one of these can rip your body in half. Don't you remember that safety video they showed you in orientation? The one that horrified you so much you had to step out of the conference room and run to the bathroom and splash water on your face? Be careful, girl!"

For the course of three weeks Goatee and I talked any chance we could. When he would get a break from lifting stuff he would drive over to my section and talk with me. Usually our conversations contained me yelling over the machine and him laughing at me making potentially dangerous mistakes in car parts. On my lunch-break I would text Goatee to come sit with me, and like a well-trained puppy he would comply. I was excited to be getting so much attention from practically a stranger. I was excited to go into work every day, looking forward to seeing my new friend.

If there is one thing I learned from When Harry Met Sally besides Billy Crystal (was) is a fox, is that men and women can’t just be friends. I knew Goatee would eventually want to hook up, or at least fool around. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, but I hadn’t been with anyone since Felon. You remember him, right? I was scared to make a move with Goatee. He showed me he was interested but I didn’t know how to cautiously react. I was scared of getting hurt, scared of being a factory whore, scared in general.

One day, towards the end of our shift I got a text from Goatee. He told me he was getting off his shift soon and he was going to come over and see me. I text back with an adorable emoticon, which spoke more of my intelligence and playful attitude I’m sure. Goatee then responded with a text that made my heart race, a text that my eyes didn’t want to believe. He typed something to the effect (this was years ago, I can’t really remember) of “What would you do if I were to kiss you?” I couldn’t stop smiling, rereading the text to make sure I wasn’t reading “I hate you, you smell.” I replied with “I would be happy.” Soon I saw Goatee walking towards me, smiling. My heart was racing, I couldn’t breath, I was trembling. The bell rang signaling the end of our shift. I didn’t know what to do so I asked Goatee to walk with me to the restroom. Like a good puppy he complied. He walked me to the top of the stairwell to the restroom and I began to descend the stairs. Suddenly, without another thought, I turned around and looked up to Goatee. I heard myself say “Come down here and kiss me.” as i pointed to my lips (just so there was no misunderstanding??) He walked down the steps, pulled me close, and kissed me passionately. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He belted out nervously “I have to go put my fork-lift away!” and walked up the stairs.

Who knew a restroom could be the site of romance?

I couldn’t believe what just happened. I was JUST kissed in a car factory. It was romantic, silly, and perfect. Goatee and I fooled around for the remainder of my time at the factory. We still keep in touch through drunken-texts and the courtesy of Facebook.

*FYI: In a(n) (American) factory everything is set up to be ergonomically correct. You work in rotation, so you are never in one area for more than 15 minutes.