You can’t compete with an ex-wife

When it comes to my dating preferences my close friends know I’m a woman with different tastes in men compared to other women. I like my men to be rugged, a face full of unique characteristics, funny, socially charming, and not an ounce of muscle showing. Oh, and another thing, I like my man to come with baggage. Full-blown emotionally jaded, relationship-ily stunted and characteristically flawed. There is something about these men who are so cynically invested in love that they can barely hold their head up. I want to help them, fix them. Now ladies, we should all know by now you cannot help or change a man, especially one who isn’t willing to change. But I can’t help how I feel about these men. They are damaged goods and I’m prepared to pay the price to be with them. My favorite type of damaged goods: divorced men.

My FWB is a classic case of damaged goods. He is divorced from a lesbian who cheated on him. You couldn’t possibly find someone more cynical then this guy. His total outlook on women is depressing, believing all women are cheating whores with no morals. Well done, FWB. You’ve figured out the goal of the entire population of women is to make every single man’s life miserable.

Although my FWB is fucked up because of his ex I guarantee if she were to stroll back in to his life he would scoop her up into his arms and never look back. He speaks fondly of being married to the love of his life and how I should believe in love at first sight. Well, dumb ass, clearly she wasn’t the love of your life if she was more interested in women. Shouldn’t the love of your life love you back? Like, full-heartily, head-over-heels, love?


Ross. Divorced. Sad. Married a lesbian.

Then there was the convict. He was divorced from a woman who sent him to jail. Sure, he totally deserved that sentence and he even more so deserved to be divorced. But I felt sorry for him. I wanted to show him that not all women would kick him to the curb for his mistakes. I worked hard on the relationship, meaning I was very obedient and hardly voiced my concerns. How could I possibly come off as a bad girlfriend when I was willing to be with a convict? I thought monuments should be raised in my honor with a plaque below reading “Oh, this girl? She totally forgives you for your mistakes. And she bakes!”

When the convict and I split up for good, after two long years of on-again, off-again status I thought to myself Good Riddance! Maybe he told me he loved me and maybe I told him I loved him, but I didn’t really know any better. He was my first “love” and I was just obeying to the rules. Years have gone by and I know it was a good decision to split; however, sometimes I find myself thinking about him. The holidays remind me of all the people who have come in and out of my life. I recently couldn’t get my ex out of my mind so I messaged a friend of his on Facebook, asking if she is still in contact with him and what is he up to. She understood my request as curiosity and told me she hasn’t spoken with him for about a year but last she heard he is living a few towns over with his ex-wife and her kids. Fuck.


You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

The moral of this story is you can’t compete with an ex-wife. These divorced men, not by their doing but hers, are damaged. The only person holding the First-Aid kit is their ex and no one else. I was convinced my ex would have forgotten how to function without me in his life. I’m naive and an idiot. Of course he got back together with her; she was the person he cheated on me with.

I strongly believe I need to re-evaluate my taste in men.