Immortal Beloved and an 8-year-old’s dreams of marrying Gary Oldman

Do you enjoy listening to classical music? When you see Gary Oldman do you let out a long sigh? Do romantic Victorian fashions make your toes curl? When you see a tragically romantic movie, do you weep? If you answered “Yes!” to any of these questions then why haven’t you seen Immortal Beloved yet?


The VHS cover that I would stare at longingly for hours

When Immortal Beloved came out in 1994, I was merely a child; it was not a typical movie an 8-year-old should be exposed to. My mother was not a supporter of censorship, so I was exposed to many movies that would be life changing for me, although they had very adult-like themes. Looking back, I strongly believe she made the right decision. In the third grade, I went to the movie theater with my mom, aunt, grandma, and siblings. The movie was Schindler’s List. The movie had a very strong theme of hate, but looking back on what my child self remembered: a girl in a red coat. That is all I could tell you about the movie. A child’s mind will remember what is wants to, or has the capacity to. My mind remembered the one bit of color from the entire movie, not the nudity or genocide.


I became obsessed with this image for years. I still long for a red coat like the little girl’s.

I digress. Back to Immortal Beloved. My mother considered this the “best date movie.” Why? I would ask myself. It wouldn’t be until I became an adult did I realize how sexy the movie is. Immortal Beloved tells the story of Ludwig Van Beethoven and his immortal beloved, the person he would will his entire legacy to. The movie tells of Beethoven’s childhood, how he became deaf, his many lovers, and how he changed the “music scene” as youngsters like to say nowadays. After watching the movie, I would go out to my mother’s flowerbed and sit on the bench. I would daydream of being whisked away by a brilliant, slightly depressive man. When I watch this movie as an adult, I become completely depressed with emotion. I cry, I worry, I wonder why my life can’t be as tragic as Beethoven.

The movie is incredibly beautiful, tragic and romantic. I weep every time I watch it, making me wish I were born in a time period when women would experience pleasure like no other when listening to a composer’s orchestra play powerful music. I strongly believe Beethoven was the greatest composer of all time, and I have Gary Oldman to thank for that sentiment. Gary Oldman is a fox in Immortal Beloved.


Oh, Beethoven, you sly dog.

Have you seen Immortal Beloved? If yes, then let’s talk! I don’t know too many people who have seen this film.

If you haven’t seen it, then I strongly recommend you rent this movie today. You won’t regret it!


Isabella Rossellini also stars in this movie. Need I say more?


The Reason Rally and Sex Breakfast Tim


Where have I been for so long, you ask? I’ve been fricken’ busy that’s where.

My life became increasingly busy over the past couple of months to the point where updating my blog seemed like a chore. I have SO much to share with you and I think I’m going to do it in the most effective way…. by updating my blog once a week! Great idea, I know.

Last time I left you I was working at my new job, seeing my FWB A LOT, and basically loving life. Most of that still holds true. Most of it.

Let’s start with the best life-changing event I have ever been a part of, aside from attending President Obama’s inauguration. Same location, different reason; the reason: THE REASON RALLY!

On March 23rd I received an interesting text that would lead me to make a life-changing decision. I received a text from my FWB that read, “If you want to go to D.C. you should go now.” Confused, I text back “What? Why?” His response “Look it up on the internet.” Gee, thanks for that explanation. He never was one for words, or being chatty, or having clear communication at all.

Weeks prior I had expressed to my FWB my love of Washington D.C. I know what you’re thinking. The crime! The danger! Well, friends, I had been to D.C. exactly once before and I am in love. The architecture is amazing, the history is rich, and the atmosphere “seems” welcoming. Knowing all this my FWB casually informed me of a huge life-event that would be taking place on March 24th, 2012. The Reason Rally 2012. How have I never heard of this momentous event? Why didn’t my atheist friends tell me about it? Oh, I’m the only atheist in my group of friends? Never mind on the last question.

I became obsessed. Google + Reason Rally search = 5 hours of “work-time” consumed. I text my agnostic BGF (best gay friend) Matt, furiously, “YOU HAVE TO COME TO THE REASON RALLY WITH ME!” His response, “I have to work Saturday.” My practical advice, “Call in sick.” After much persuading he agreed to go.

Things quickly progressed. I had arranged to change my brakes on my car that night with my FWB, so I headed there after work. That was a terrible experience, by the way. We argued, put each other down, and rolled our eyes. I complained about getting my hands dirty. He complained about my unwillingness to work hard. It was awful. To top it all off, at one point a motor came crashing down off a high shelf and crushed my Blackberry. I cried. A lot.

SIDE NOTE: Don’t ever get a FWB that doesn’t enjoy your company outside of the bed.

Matt and I showed up at our pick-up location an hour early so we would be assured a good seat on the bus. That plan backfired once we found out the bus was going to be two hours late. TWO HOURS! Luckily, atheists are the coolest people you would ever meet, so I had a blast having intelligent, albeit sarcastic, conversation with fellow non-believers. The whole time I was standing there, in the rain, I just kept thinking how happy I was. These people shared my interests and I’ve never really had that before.


Waiting in the parking lot at 1 a.m. in the rain.

The crowd learned about me pretty quickly. What does that mean? Oh, just that I like to date men who are divorced, in their 30’s, and carry a lot of emotional baggage. With that comment, I got a bite. Enter Sex Breakfast Tim. Tim was in his late 30’s, from Chicago, divorced from his “whore of a wife” and has a 12 year-old daughter. He noticed me, I noticed him. He fit my criteria. I fit his criteria; I had a vagina. I assume that is all he was looking for. I will come back to Sex Breakfast Tim later.

Matt and I act like we are drunk on wine when we are around each other. Everyone on the 6 hour bus ride HATED us. We were loud, took pictures, and laughed…A LOT. When we finally arrived in D.C. Matt and I were exhausted from only getting an hour or two of bus sleep.


After HOURS of taking bus pictures we finally got photo bombed.

The Reason Rally was amazing. I read that over 30,000 people showed up for the rally, which is an incredible number to read, because as I was there I felt like there were only a few hundred people. Hilarious signs, fun conversation, and incredible atheist activists. Matt, Arianne (our friend from Philly), and myself stood in the rain for 5+ hours, listening to moving speeches, hilarious commentary, and uplifting remarks. At one point we left the rally to get coffee and I wore my “This is What an Atheist Looks Like” sign. I never felt so judged in my entire life. People stared, looked angrily in my direction. This HAS to change. It MUST change. A big saying of the day was “Out of the closet Atheist.” I am no longer going to be ashamed of my rational beliefs.


We represented our views!


Such an amazing day!


The weather was pretty miserable. But wow, what a day.

Boarding the bus, we were exhausted and wet but super excited we were part of something so huge. Once we arrived back in Akron Matt and I started saying our goodbyes. It was bittersweet. I was going to miss these incredible people. I exchanged numbers and email with Ellen, who would later open my life up to Cleveland Freethinkers. (Ellen and I are still great friends.)


Ellen introduced me to the Cleveland Freethinkers. I am eternally grateful for our friendship.

Just as I was about to hop into my car, where Matt had already settled into, Tim sauntered his way over to me. I threw my purse in at Matt, closed my door to where Matt could still hear what was going on. I knew what Tim wanted. I rather wanted it to.

Tim: Well, Jayne, I’m really glad I got to meet you and Matt.

Me: Oh, me too! We had a lot of fun. It’s too bad we didn’t get to hang out more.

Tim: Yeah, me too. You know, I have an idea. I don’t want to come off as…well, it’s just an idea. Don’t think I’m…okay, here is the idea. You know it’s been such a long day, and we didn’t get to really know each other. But I was thinking since I have such a long drive ahead of me that maybe, I mean, I don’t know your living situation, but maybe I could come over. I could come over…and take a shower, then we can talk or whatever…and… I would just really like to make you breakfast in the morning.

Me: (in shock, I hesitate a little) Oh wow. (I place my hand on his forearm) That sounds really nice, but I’m just crashing with a friend. It’s not even my place. That just sounds. SO. NICE.

Tim: Yeah, well. It was just an idea.

I gave Tim my number and email address. I still haven’t heard from him.

He would have showered, we would have “talked”, he would have made me shitty eggs in the morning, and he would have been gone forever.


By the way… here is Tim. In all his glory.

Close call…

Depressed little 18-year-old

Back in 2005 I created a LiveJournal due to popular demand by my gal pal Kerry. Recently I was reminded of my LiveJournal still being out there on the internet.

Reading my LiveJournal embarrassed me. I was whiny, weird, and my Full House obsession was in full swing. Here are some excerpts for your viewing pleasure:

  • I have a TERRIBLE friend-Josh. I hate my computer. I have been rejected like 10 times this past week. I am incredibly sad and I hate life. I only get sad once so..don’t worry, this wont last. Bye
  • I feel like a complete loser, when it comes to math. I wish I could just sleep with the dean (yeah, its an old lady *shudder*) to get out of it.
  • I always want things to happen magically to where I put in no effort at all. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I am just so used to the feeling of failure and rejection to where I guess I am numb to the feeling.
  • I get so surprised with myself and how emotionally involved I get with Full House.
  • I was writing about fricken camels and llamas. NOT desperation and sadness.
  • Ms. Cleo told me I would find true love on a subway.
  • Goodbye Girl. If you want to watch a movie about a grown women that cries too much because she likes to date actors, then watch that movie.

Clearly I was an unhappy young adult. Also, did I make a call to Ms. Cleo?

Stage 5 Clinger

I know you’ve heard the term stage 5 clinger, but have you actually experienced a stage 5 clinger? Perhaps you are thinking to yourself who wouldn’t want to be adored? orI bet being worshiped would be a nice change of pace!Well let me tell you, you are terribly mistaken.

Have I mentioned I am on a dating website? Well I am. I am not proud of it…at all. I created my dating profile about a year ago after one depressing night of Etsy Wedding browsing. After a few guys started showing interest I shut down my profile. I do not use dating websites as a way to meet men. No. Instead I use dating websites to boost my confidence, to feel wanted or interesting again. After a few e-mail exchanges with a fella I will delete him. Thanks pal, but I have other men who want to shower me with compliments, both on looks AND writing style!

So maybe you are asking “But Jayne, why are you on a dating website right now? You have a FWB!” Of course having a FWB is an incredible boost of confidence and very fulfilling, (it’s not, it’s the opposite.) but some nights, as I’m walking into my apartment at an ungodly hour, smelling of sex and cigarettes, I feel lonely. Of course my “friend” urges me to continue searching for Mr. Right, while having fun with him, I just don’t feel like playing the field.. so I go onto my dating website. With a few new updates, aka I graduated college!, I am back in the ego-search.


A chart on the benefits of having a friend with benefits! Photo credit:

After a few failed conversations I received a message from Cameron. Cam was nice. His profile lacked creativity, interest, and mention of cats; however, I thought he seemed genuine. Cameron wrote to me so very poetically “Wow you are so beautiful wow your face is just so lovely.” Yep. Clearly he was so blown away by my beauty that he forget all about proper sentence structure and grammar rules. I thanked Cam for the ego boost, and within hours he gave me his number and the comment “I pray you text me.” Usually I reject accepting phone numbers from online daters. I simply keep communication limited to the dating website. This time around something was different. This time I was inspired to text Cameron on the hopes of him providing me with a good blog story. OH BUDDY, WAS I RIGHT! Cameron turned out to be a stage 5 clinger within two days of communication.

For your reading pleasure I have provided below the two day text exchange between me and Cameron. (Some boring parts have been edited out.)

Me: Your prayers have been answered, this is Jayne.

Cam: Oh wow I am happy now

Me: So what is your name?

(At this point I don’t know his actual name, just his dating profile name.)

Cam: Cameron nice to meet you angel

Cam: You are so very beautiful

**We exchange information, such as family size, college education, and music taste.

Cam: What do you do and I would like to say you are BEAUTIFUL once more

Me: I work in Recreation. And stop! No one is that pretty. I just take good pictures.

Cam: So damn beautiful like a bit of heaven on earth 🙂

Me: Goodness. But thanks.

Cam: Just you makes me happy

Me: So the big question. Why are you single?

(At this point I’m getting fed up and would really like him to make a genuine statement.)

Cam: I just don’t like anyone.Your the first since my wife

(!!!!!!!!WHAT!!!!!!!! (turns out he is widower…)

Cam: So tell me more about your beautiful self

Me: Well, I have a low self-esteem.

(I’m attempting to scare him off at this point.)

Cam: Well I’d like to build you up and support you and if you would give me a chance and I’d love to change your luck with guys by being the guy in your life

Me: That’s a bold statement! I appreciate what you’re saying, but let’s take this a little slower.

Cam: I agree I’m just a straight forward person I don’t beat around the bush that’s all

(You also think there is a monetary charge if you use commas/punctuation in texting.)

Cam then goes on about how many hours he works in a week and I comment on how exhausting that would be.

Cam:It is and I work lots of extra days but I’m done doing that I decided I want to start dating I want a nice girl to share my time with

(And share her skin?)

Cam: So how are you so lovely

Me: I’m not! I have you fooled.

Cam: Well I find you beautiful and amazing

Me: You don’t even know me!

Cam: Look I know enough to like you and your beautiful like the stars

Me: Maybe we can get coffee and I prove to you I’m a slob and awkward.

Cam: Or maybe you can fall for me


Cam: A man can hope

(What men hope a girl will fall for them on one date?)

Me: Hey, my phone is dying. TTYL.

Cam: Ok talk to you later beautiful ill be waiting


Cam (two hours later): Hi

Me: Sorry, going to bed now.

Cam: Well night beautiful I hope to hear back from you as soon as possible 🙂 Good night lovely

Cam (next day): Hi beautiful

Me: Hi Cam.

Cam: Woke up early hoping I had a text from you

Me: I’m at work.

Cam: Its ok so I can’t get your lovely face out of my mind 🙂

Me:… I think you are very kind, but you are coming on a little strong.

Cam: Sorry. I just like you and that’s a first since my wife I have no clue how the dating game works anymore I’m sorry look if you want ill leave you alone

(I ignored his text)

Cam (8 hours later): Hi

Cam (9 hours later): Hi

….Annnnnd he’s gone. For now.

Never have I experienced someone so terrifying. Complimenting is very nice. Over-complimenting is disingenuous and creepy. I’m going to keep Cameron in my phone for another week just in case he tries to text me again, and I won’t make the mistake of asking “Who is this?”

By the way, check out THIS text stalker I stumbled upon on Buzzfeed. It is frightening and awesome.

Foaming-at-the-Mouth Romance

Like I’ve said before, when it comes to crushes I usually get what I want. When I was studying my associate’s at a local community/tech college I never thought about dating. I was serious about my education, and even more serious about NOT dating someone going to a community college.

My program was Administration Technology but it could have also been calledProfessional Secretary School. I studied keyboarding (see it in action now!!), how to create properly formatted business-y letters, and the Microsoft Office suite. I enjoyed my program but I did not enjoy being surrounded by chicks. Sure their gossip was entertaining, but I was craving the attention of a dude, someone with masculine traits.

During the first week of classes I noticed a fella in my Business Ethics class, the only class not entirely made up of females. The fella, Josh, wore a backwards cap, slightly baggy jeans, and band t-shirts. “He likes Death Cab for Cutie! He’s perfect!” My criteria to be met for the perfect guy was limited to band tastes.

Josh also kind of looked like Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie. This would cause me to play their cd on repeat for weeks.

I would stare at the back of Josh’s head during the entire class-period. I daydreamed of cuddling in his (probably) twin-sized bed, going toHot Topic together, and studying cases on ethical business. One day after class I smiled at Josh. That’s all it took. He walked me out to my car and we exchanged Myspace names. You read that correctly. Myspace. Once Josh was in his car and driving away I quickly jumped out of my car and ran inside. I HAD ANOTHER CLASS! I set up the entire “Oh, won’t you walk me out to my car at 2 in the afternoon? It can be dicey this time of day.” situation. That evening there was Josh’s friend request. I quickly accepted and there was my sweet babboo waiting to chat with me. Our conversation progressed rather quickly, to be expected on Myspace. Josh told me sweet nothings of how he could picture us watching Conan O’Brian together, snuggled in his bed, going to hockey games (who knew I LOVED hockey just as much as he did! I lied.), and just hanging out with a cool chick. He daydreams were PERFECT to me. His idea of a good time was also my idea of a good time.

Doin' my best Myspace face.

Finally, after a week of flirting in class, Josh asked me out on Myspace. He had mentioned to me he was low on cash and would I mind going to Wendy’s for dinner then to the Dollar movie theater? Of course I didn’t mind! What an insanely indie cool date to have with a guy. (Back then this was a perfectly acceptable date. Today-hell no.) We decided to go after class, which prompted me to skip the class I had after our ethics class. Clearly there was nothing ethical about that decision. Zing! I was incredibly nervous on my date with Josh. My stomach was turning, I was hot, and I couldn’t speak at all. All I ordered from the large selection on the Wendy’s dollar menu was chicken nuggets and a small Frosty. Josh ordered fries, Frosty, and a Jr. bacon cheeseburger. I started noticing Josh. How gross he was…

Not okay for a first date, okay?

He smacked his lips. He got food all over his face when he ate. He was a heavy breather. He didn’t carry a conversation very well at all. He wasn’t that cute close up. that…no. Does he have…foamy white shit in the corner of his mouth. FUUUUUUUCK.

I couldn’t believe the low opinion I formed of Josh in the 20 minutes of eating at Wendy’s. We had to go, though, to make our movie, Just Friends. The irony of the movie didn’t NOT phase me. Josh edged his hand towards mine in the theater, but still afraid to be touched by a boy I jammed my free hand into the pocket of my hoodie. (I wore a hoodie on the first date!? Oh Jayne.) As much as I tried to enjoy the movie I just kept thinking about Josh wanting to kiss me at the end of the date. We left the theater remarking on how hilarious the movie was (I own it and I am STILL amazed at how hilarious it is) and I asked Josh to drive me back to my car, which was parked at Cord Camera.

When we got to Cord Camera I unbuckled my seat beat, thanked Josh for a great evening, and opened my door. I could see Josh unbuckling his seat belt and getting out of the car. I panicked. I ran. I RAN TO MY CAR. As I hurriedly opened my car door I screamed “THANKS!” in the most horrendous voice. I could not let the mouth-foamer kiss me! I got sick thinking of his foamy white spit getting into my mouth as we exchanged tongues. Pulling out of my parking spot I noticed Josh, confused, slowly getting back into his car.

A literal example of what I thought would happen to me if I were to kiss the mouth-foamer.

Josh and I stuck out the rest of Business Ethics that quarter. We even had to work on a group project together, where I found out he was incredibly dumb. We parted our ways for summer. Then…he called. He wanted a second date. Feeling vulnerable I decided to give him a second chance because maybe I was wrong about him. We met at a bowling ally for Round 2. Realizing we had an hour to kill before the ally opened I suggested we go to Barnes and Noble. Getting a peak at his literature taste would prove to me if I made a mistake. NOPE. No mistake there. The first book he picked up was about infamous murders. No thanks, pal. We got back to the bowling ally with a half-hour to spare. I apologized to Josh, telling him how I babysat that day and I was EXHAUSTED! I lied. Josh’s spit was in full swing that day and I just couldn’t bear to see him anymore. We parted ways. Forever.

I should have never written Josh off so quickly. He was the only guy who ever shared an interest in actually being my boyfriend. But could I look past the foamy mouth? No.

Factory-Made Romance

I used to work in a car manufacturing factory. My stint in the auto industry lasted me 4 fulfilling months, where I learned I could maybe be loved again someday.

When I set my eyes on a guy I find attractive I usually get what I want. It doesn’t take me very long to get the attention of my crush, batting my eyelashes, laughing at his hilarious (offensive!) jokes, showing interest in his “band.” Men love to be complimented and I am a pro at doing it.

I went into work one day, feeling pretty good about looking good in jeans, t-shirt, and steel-toe boots. Not very many people can rock that look. Going into the section of the plant my crew worked we found out our machine would be shut down for the day, and we were moved to another part of the factory to work on a new car part.

Working, I noticed a young man I hadn’t seen before driving around my work area on a fork-lift. He was very attractive, dark hair, goatee, red t-shirt. He waved at someone he knew, flashed an adorable smile. Luckily I was working next to a Drew Carey-like fella that the fork-lift driver knew, so when he stopped to talk to his friend I was pleased.Drew moved* on to another part of the machine around the corner and I took over for him. Goatee stuck around, chatting with me about music, working at the factory, and general niceties. I was smitten. My entire crew could tell I was smitten.

This should read "Caution: If you don't look both ways before crossing in a factory one of these can rip your body in half. Don't you remember that safety video they showed you in orientation? The one that horrified you so much you had to step out of the conference room and run to the bathroom and splash water on your face? Be careful, girl!"

For the course of three weeks Goatee and I talked any chance we could. When he would get a break from lifting stuff he would drive over to my section and talk with me. Usually our conversations contained me yelling over the machine and him laughing at me making potentially dangerous mistakes in car parts. On my lunch-break I would text Goatee to come sit with me, and like a well-trained puppy he would comply. I was excited to be getting so much attention from practically a stranger. I was excited to go into work every day, looking forward to seeing my new friend.

If there is one thing I learned from When Harry Met Sally besides Billy Crystal (was) is a fox, is that men and women can’t just be friends. I knew Goatee would eventually want to hook up, or at least fool around. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, but I hadn’t been with anyone since Felon. You remember him, right? I was scared to make a move with Goatee. He showed me he was interested but I didn’t know how to cautiously react. I was scared of getting hurt, scared of being a factory whore, scared in general.

One day, towards the end of our shift I got a text from Goatee. He told me he was getting off his shift soon and he was going to come over and see me. I text back with an adorable emoticon, which spoke more of my intelligence and playful attitude I’m sure. Goatee then responded with a text that made my heart race, a text that my eyes didn’t want to believe. He typed something to the effect (this was years ago, I can’t really remember) of “What would you do if I were to kiss you?” I couldn’t stop smiling, rereading the text to make sure I wasn’t reading “I hate you, you smell.” I replied with “I would be happy.” Soon I saw Goatee walking towards me, smiling. My heart was racing, I couldn’t breath, I was trembling. The bell rang signaling the end of our shift. I didn’t know what to do so I asked Goatee to walk with me to the restroom. Like a good puppy he complied. He walked me to the top of the stairwell to the restroom and I began to descend the stairs. Suddenly, without another thought, I turned around and looked up to Goatee. I heard myself say “Come down here and kiss me.” as i pointed to my lips (just so there was no misunderstanding??) He walked down the steps, pulled me close, and kissed me passionately. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He belted out nervously “I have to go put my fork-lift away!” and walked up the stairs.

Who knew a restroom could be the site of romance?

I couldn’t believe what just happened. I was JUST kissed in a car factory. It was romantic, silly, and perfect. Goatee and I fooled around for the remainder of my time at the factory. We still keep in touch through drunken-texts and the courtesy of Facebook.

*FYI: In a(n) (American) factory everything is set up to be ergonomically correct. You work in rotation, so you are never in one area for more than 15 minutes.

Crushin’ on Stanley Tucci

Those glasses! That beard! The LOOK!

I crush on celebrities that aren’t exactly mainstream. My “list” of celebrities I can sleep with at an given time, no repercussions, ranges from Steve Buscemi to Horatio Sanz.

I first started crushin’ on Stanley when I watched The Terminal (cute movie!). I have been hooked since, he is absolutely gorgeous. Stanley looks like the kind of guy who would send me adorably hilarious socks instead of chocolates. Might I add his voice is incredibly attractive. If there is one thing I am drawn to with men it is their voice. No joke I have a major crush on Brian from Family Guy, simply because of his voice. No, not Seth Macfarlane. That would make way too much sense.

Brian Griffin

Super Bowl Dip!

This may come a surprise to you (or maybe not) but I love watching the Super Bowl. Of course I love watching the commercials but I also love watching grown men cry.

So in the spirit of the Super Bowl being this Sunday I am posting one of my favorite Taco Dip recipes. I was a HUGE fan of Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show when I was younger, which is where I first learned of the recipe.

My girl, Rosie

Taco Dip Recipe

  • 1 (12 ounce) jar salsa
  • 1 (16 ounce) can re-fried beans (the original recipe calls for canned chili. I prefer re-fried beans)
  • 8 ounces cream cheese
  • 16 ounces sour cream
  • 8 ounces shredded Mexican cheese


  1. Heat oven to 350 degrees
  2. Mix together salsa and re-fried beans in bowl.
  3. In a another bowl combine sour cream and cream cheese.
  4. In a casserole dish layer as follows:.
  5. white mixture.
  6. red mixture.
  7. shredded cheese.
  8. Repeat layers, ending with cheese. Place in oven until hot and cheese is melted. Do not mix layers.
  9. Serve with tortilla chips.

And that’s it! Super simple and delicious.  To freshen it up a bit top with green onions and fresh tomatoes or guacamole. Practically anything can be added to this recipe, which is half the fun. Olives, lettuce, corn salsa, onion, whatever!

I hope everyone has a fun Super Bowl Sunday!

Is that raw meat??

A Love Story: Are You Being Served?

As I’ve mentioned before, growing up our household relied on antenna television. When my school friends were talking about All That and Are You Afraid of the Dark I was thinking about Are You Being Served?, Keeping Up Appearances and (recently) Fawlty Towers (to be discussed at a later date!). PBS was the one channel I was thankful for, because when The Simpsons wasn’t on I was relieved to know I could turn to channel 34 for travel, food, and history at any time of the day.

Are You Being Served? was a staple in our household. The raunchy British humor was easy for us. The show ran for a saucy 13 years from 1972-1985. I wasn’t born until ’86, but I never realized I was watching re-runs of a Brit comedy. The humor seemed fresh and edgy to me.

(In case you don’t know) The show was about a fictional store, Grace Brothers, and the sales associates that worked there.

Mrs. Slocombe’s “pussy” jokes not only made us giggle, but it provided downright inappropriate lines to repeat.

Mrs. Slocombe

Mrs. Slocombe

Mrs. Slocombe’s pussy

As a small child I idolized Mrs. Slocombe. Her love of cats, her colorful personality (and literally her hair), her career as a sales associate, and of course the fashion. I wanted to be just like Mrs. Slocombe, and now that I look back I realize wanting to be an old woman is a little strange for a child.

Mr. Humphries

Mr. Humphries’s Gay Moments

Mr. Humphries was the gayest man on television that I can recall, for not being outspokenly gay. Sure there were signs, innuendos, and cheekiness, but I don’t recall any episode outrightly mentioning him being gay. Mr. Humphries was the gay friend I always wanted. He was fashion-forward, hilarious, and oh that smile!

Miss. Brahms

The beautiful, cockney-accented Miss. Brahms. She was young, beautiful, and very sarcastic. Just as I thought Ms. Yvonne from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse was gorgeous, I thought Miss. Brahms was a vision of beauty.

Captain Peacock

The Grace Brothers department store was managed by Mr. Peacock, his role was the quintessential curmudgeon who never laughed at the antics of his employees. I had a strong love/hate relationship with Captain Peacock, mostly because I hated the bags under his eyes.

Mr. Lucas

Mr. Lucas was a womanizer, a playboy, a major HOTTIE! Arguably the original The Office’s “Jim” of his time, playing the role of the handsome, funny, prankster guy. Sure, he wasn’t loved by his workers, but he was loved by 8-year-old me.

There are notably other characters that made this show wonderful, but the ones I listed meant the most to me. I still find myself tuning into Are You Being Served? and laughing at the silly jokes. For an affordable $67.99 I could make the series mine.

How about you? Did you LOVE or HATE Are You Being Served?

Firsts: Drugs and Felons

I was a good kid growing up. I didn’t want to do anything which I couldn’t brag about to my parents. That meant no drinking, random sex, drugs, hoodlum friends, or staying out late. I went to parties my friends had, involving copious amounts of Faygo pop and cheese balls. I never complained. The life-in-the-fast-lane teenager years never enticed me.

In my young adult life I decided I would try things to be certain I never wanted to do them. I tried pot on three occasions, all of which left me feeling unsatisfied. I thought to myself “Why the hell do people do this? I don’t feel anything. God, I love Doritos.” My third and final time came in the form of cookies. A perfectly fine cookie was ruined with the skunk-like taste. I decided that would be my last adventure with “drugs.” I don’t need to try cocaine to know I’m not going to like it.

The pot cookies I tried didn't look half this good.

What about dating? Now I know dating doesn’t always have to turn out badly. Plenty of my friends are tied down to really terrific people, who I am really happy for. But in my case dating has ALWAYS turned out badly. How do people (my friends) meet such great people, people who want to take them out on dates and stay in a committed relationship with them? How does this happen? I dated a real winner for two years, who took me out probably 4 times. He was an asshole with a very shady criminal past. I was intrigued someone who experienced life to the fullest (breaking laws- SEXY!) wanted anything to do with me. I developed a crush on the guy, which then took a hold of my critical thinking skills. I didn’t think about the repercussions of dating a capital L loser. Listen up ladies: If you date a felon then you have to get home before 10 p.m., you can’t drink, AND you have to swallow your dignity. It is NOT worth it. I thought I loved the bastard. LOVED. What the hell was I thinking? About a year in of saying I love you I got a call from Mr. Lawbreaker himself telling me he cheated on me. I cried. A lot. I couldn’t understand what I could have done to ruin the “perfect” relationship.

About a week of feeling depressed I got another call from Mr. Lawbreaker asking to see me. I strongly advise all women to turn down a proposal to meet up from an ex. They want sex. And only sex. I went over with the idea he was going to beg me to give him a second chance. Nope. That didn’t happen at all. The scumbag wanted to try being friends with benefits. He pointed out that clearly we were no good in a relationship but the sex was always great. (The sex was TERRIBLE.)  How can a hurt and vulnerable girl argue with logic like that? Slowly I slipped under his spell of sweet nothings being whispered in my ear. I took him back, which meant sneaking around for a couple months. I’m going to a friends house really meant I’m going to my ex’s place to play the game “Fuck with Jayne’s emotions.” We continued living in limbo for another YEAR. I have no one to blame but myself. For awhile I thought about what could have been, what could I have done differently? DO NOT play those mind games with yourself. I made a bad decision and nothing else. On my first date with Mr. Lawbreaker (which I PAID FOR!!!) he told me he was a “life ruiner.” I should have taken those first-date words as a sign to run, but I didn’t. I thought I could change him… I couldn’t.

I know this is a common theme women are guilty of doing, thinking they can change men. It can’t be done. Sure, you can convince a dude to style his hair differently, wear cardigans, and bath on a regular basis. But you cannot change his person. Guys will honestly tell women who they are, whether it is a “bad guy” or “not reliable.” As a woman I can say in confidence women will choose not to hear these things. Or we think “Oh, he’s just being hard on himself.” A man will lay down the law on what he is, wants, and is willing to do.

I do have hope to someday be in a functional relationship, one where the man is excited to see me. Until then…