Things I have said

Whether I said it in the middle of an argument, at work or in a passionate embrace, here is a list of the ridiculous things I have said.

When my FWB suggested I start seeing other men.

  • I feel like you are sending me on a scavenger hunt when I’ve already found the prize.

At work when discussing slang.

  • I had to use Urban Dictionary to look up what “shortie” means.
  • Let me just youtube a video of what twerking is.

In the heat of the moment; I killed that moment.

  • Look at my new ruffle butt underwear! I’ve wanted a pair of these since I was a kid.
  • Him: Did you remember to get your birth control? Me: Yes, but vote for Romney and you will take that right away from me.

During an interview with a marketing firm.

Me: I have a different style of writing, fun and sarcastic. Then again, when you blog you can say anything.

Him: You have a blog? (pulls up the internet on the big screen) What is the address?

Me: (flushed with red) Oh my god, no. It’s about dating.

Other guy: Oh, I love eating.

Me: No. DATING.

To customers coming through my grocery store line.

  • I thought you were wearing pajama pants for easy access.
  • How young is too young? (Said to a really hot 70 year-old man)
  • Do you mind if I rub this cilantro on my face? It’s so soft!
  • Oh my god, I love our chicken pot pies. They are so creamy. I love creamy things.
  • This sure is a lot of wine. Don’t worry, we don’t judge here.
  • I just think you are so sweet that I get light-headed when you are around. That is probably on the account of my diabetes.

To customers ordering beer at my station at a concert

Man: I need two beers.

Me: Are you thirsty?

Man: Ha, no. One is for my girlfriend.

(He takes his beers and walks away. 20 minutes pass and he comes back with his girlfriend.)

Man: (Points to girlfriend) This is my girlfriend.

Me: (acting shocked) You never told me you have a girlfriend!

Girlfriend: (slaps man) You’re sleeping in the dog house!

 

Man: Where is the restroom?

Me: (pointing to the ground beside me) Right here… I like to watch.

Man: (nervously) Heh. Okay.

Me: (pointing to actual bathrooms) Over there.

Manager: How do you like the job so far?

Me: I love it! I am really enjoying getting paid to flirt with men all night.

 

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