Things I have said

Whether I said it in the middle of an argument, at work or in a passionate embrace, here is a list of the ridiculous things I have said.

When my FWB suggested I start seeing other men.

  • I feel like you are sending me on a scavenger hunt when I’ve already found the prize.

At work when discussing slang.

  • I had to use Urban Dictionary to look up what “shortie” means.
  • Let me just youtube a video of what twerking is.

In the heat of the moment; I killed that moment.

  • Look at my new ruffle butt underwear! I’ve wanted a pair of these since I was a kid.
  • Him: Did you remember to get your birth control? Me: Yes, but vote for Romney and you will take that right away from me.

During an interview with a marketing firm.

Me: I have a different style of writing, fun and sarcastic. Then again, when you blog you can say anything.

Him: You have a blog? (pulls up the internet on the big screen) What is the address?

Me: (flushed with red) Oh my god, no. It’s about dating.

Other guy: Oh, I love eating.

Me: No. DATING.

To customers coming through my grocery store line.

  • I thought you were wearing pajama pants for easy access.
  • How young is too young? (Said to a really hot 70 year-old man)
  • Do you mind if I rub this cilantro on my face? It’s so soft!
  • Oh my god, I love our chicken pot pies. They are so creamy. I love creamy things.
  • This sure is a lot of wine. Don’t worry, we don’t judge here.
  • I just think you are so sweet that I get light-headed when you are around. That is probably on the account of my diabetes.

To customers ordering beer at my station at a concert

Man: I need two beers.

Me: Are you thirsty?

Man: Ha, no. One is for my girlfriend.

(He takes his beers and walks away. 20 minutes pass and he comes back with his girlfriend.)

Man: (Points to girlfriend) This is my girlfriend.

Me: (acting shocked) You never told me you have a girlfriend!

Girlfriend: (slaps man) You’re sleeping in the dog house!

 

Man: Where is the restroom?

Me: (pointing to the ground beside me) Right here… I like to watch.

Man: (nervously) Heh. Okay.

Me: (pointing to actual bathrooms) Over there.

Manager: How do you like the job so far?

Me: I love it! I am really enjoying getting paid to flirt with men all night.

 

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Thankful for crap

A list of what I am thankful for.

Around this time of year people will make rambling lists of what they are thankful for. Some lists are fun, listing technology or my adorable cats!, while other lists are serious, I’m thankful for each breath . Barf. This short list is a collection of both.

I am most thankful for:

  • Mascara. Without it I would look like a troll.
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    I’ve tried many. This is by far the BEST.

  • Cats. I will never be truly alone as long as I have cats.
  • My parents never-ending will to help me out. Obviously my apartment would be unfurnished if it weren’t for them.
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    My lovely father

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    My darling mother

  • My friends. I can’t be hard on myself when these people willinglywant to spend time with me.
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    My number one ladies.

  • Sex. Without this act occurring on a semi-regular basis I would question the purpose of life.
  • Allergy medicine. I can snuggle kitties ALL the time because of this miracle drug.
  • Pandora. Christmas music all year round, 24/7.
  • Velvet hangers. My plus-sized clothing will never slip off hangers again!
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    You will never go back to plastic hangers again.

Obviously I am thankful for life, water and food. Everyone is. What matters most to me in life is being happy. Sure some of the things that make me happy are materials but that doesn’t mean I’m materialistic (I SO am). Why do people get so bent out of shape, feeling guilty, when admitting what makes them happy? Honestly, why? If your cell phone makes you happy and makes your life easier then be thankful for it! You’ve worked hard for your money, spend it as you see fit.

I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving this year. Now time to start spreading the holiday cheer! 

Fifty Shades of Grey Dick

Online dating can be tricky. You never fully know (or trust) who you are connecting with. Sure, the man can be charming, have an attractive picture and claim to be one of the cast members from the original Rent. But how can you know for sure? The profile can be the window of truth. Likes, dislikes, 5 items you can’t live without (the moment I see “my cat” I send a message), favorite movies and books (the “I don’t read much” sends up a red flag for me), and my favorite, the What I am looking for section. Tell me, what are you looking for, mystery man, a casual hook-up, a girlfriend, a partner in crime, a wife, or just a pen-pal? The profile is the list of truth and the key to charming yourself into my life. One wrong move (“I LOVE the movie Wedding Crashers!”…ehhh) and you are out of the running.

After a couple weeks of not hearing from the fellas I got a bite. Mr. Diversion intrigued me.

Morning Jayne, how are you doing? Very nice to meet you … in a virtual sort of way … I guess the challenge is for me to construct an opening that is witty, funny, engaging and something that piques your curiosity? That is quite a tall order to do right out of the box … along with correct spelling and punctuation! lol … So if you find yourself looking for a partner in crime … a play partner in crime that is… drop me a line back and lets get to know one and another and see what happens 😉

Aside from the over usage of  “…” I found him interesting. What exactly is a play partner in crime? Oh, of course I know what a play partner in crime is. How could I not know? I respond…

Well aren’t you an interesting person. You have peeked my interest yet I’m hesitant to respond. However, here I am. 

It appears to me you are seeking more out of life, which I guess really is the point of this website, in the most literal simple sense.

He responded:

Morning Jayne … indeed I am. As are we all I guess. To the best of my knowledge .. this is a one way trip so we need to make the most of our opportunity! So how are you doing today? And I have to ask … did you get a chance to read my profile? And do you have any burning questions for me?

Mr. Diversion and I exchanged several emails back and forth, which quickly became sexual. He wrote with experience and fantasy, something I like to dabble in. No, I’m not a whore by any means. I don’t sleep around, but I like to pretend I do. In addition to getting my jollies by talking to this fella, I was using him for the greater good of writing material. I knew he would make for an interesting cocktail story. Maybe you’re thinking “But Jayne! What makes this smutty guy different?” Hold your horses, I’m getting to that part! Mr. Diversion has a dark secret, which isn’t a secret at all. Remember the “burning questions” part of his introduction? Well, I looked over his profile after the first exchange and was shocked to what I found. Mr. Diversion is MARRIED. Capital M married. Not even divorced or experiencing an unhappy marriage. To further add to the intrigue, Mr. Diversion is 55 FUCKING YEARS OLD. 55! Who is this old married fart and why did he approach me??

His answer:

I’m on the prowl for a sex buddy. But lets face it … you just can’t go out and jump into bed with just anyone and come away feeling fulfilled. I think there needs to be more of a connection than that. Even just a tenuous one like what I’m hoping to find is better than nothing. Yep, I don’t get very many replies … and when I do they then tend to be rather … how do I say …. vindictive, profane and downright ugly. And I kind of expected that to be the case. It does go with the territory I guess. You seem to have a forward thinking personality … or a least a curiosity about some of us other earthly inhabitants. That’s a good thing! Don’t loose it as it will serve you well!

Of course I was flattered. I am very forward thinking when it comes to sex and dating. I give men a chance that would otherwise be shut down by an old-fashioned gal. I entertained the thought of hooking up with Mr. Diversion. I shamed a lot of women who fight sexual deviants on this topic. I was the other woman even without sleeping with this man. I felt disgusted with myself but I couldn’t stop. What started as casual flirting turned into what I called “Fifty Shades of Grey Dick.” … because he’s old. Get it?

Mr. Diversion offered up this little gem:

As two kiss … the submissive one melts and melds into the dominant partner. As passions rise … it becomes the responsibility of the dom to lead the sub in the dance of lust.

Are you blushing yet? Hopefully you know very well about “doms” and “subs.” Those are the roles sexual partners take on in a relationship. I confessed to being a sub and Mr. Diversion said he is a dom. We discussed the roles and how important it is to have a dom who makes you feel safe. Our conversations ranged from informative to downright dirty. Please don’t lose respect for me! IT’S ALL FOR THE SAKE OF JOURNALISM!… she tells herself.

I will not continue to go into the nitty gritty of it all, unless you demand it. Mr. Diversion laid out our first meeting and how it would play out. It was incredibly detailed and raunchy. I’ve never read Fifty Shades of Grey but I imagine it to sound an awful lot like our conversation…only censored. That’s right. I think our conversation was wilder than the popular housewife smut.

In the end I turned down Mr. Diversion’s proposal to hook up. I do not want to sleep with a married man, even though pop culture sets that scenario to sexy music and fulfilled fantasies. Our conversations quickly faded after he realized he would not be getting any.

I am left with memories of breaking the rules and not giving a flip. I am also left with the hilarious mistake Mr. Diversion made when he said he would provide me with an incredible “organism.” Oh, Mr. Diversion, you are my knight in shining armor.