*Ring Ring* I love you!

I’ve tried online dating. A lot. Obviously it hasn’t worked for me thus far considering I am still single. Technically I have had good luck with online dating; I’ve been flirted with, lusted after, and even asked out a time or two. Where is all comes to a screeching halt is when I actually go out with the fella.

Corey was different. He didn’t come on to me in the first message with a “Wow, you’re so sexy!” He wrote me a message that complimented my profile, found my answers to questions interesting, and wanted to discuss religion with me.

*Note: My profile used to end with “I love to argue and have heated debates. If you want to argue politics and religion then message me!” I thought this would weed out the imbeciles. Turns out it brings in the emotionally stunted.

Corey and I hit it off great. We messaged each other about two times a day, consisting of heated debates and obscure life stories. The life stories soon turned into random make-believe, where we pretended to have alternate lives. It was silly and fun and I was becoming smitten. After a couple weeks of messages I decided to give Corey my number, telling him he could text me. And he did.

Corey text me a lot, often times it was about nothing, some times it was about how great he thought I was. An ego maniac such as me loved the attention. Of course I’m great, why don’t all men see how wonderful I am? The texts turned into Corey wanting to take me out. There were two problems; he didn’t have a car and he lived in Cleveland. He failed to mention these two issues in the beginning because according to him, he was going to try to figure it out.  I was comfortable not going out with Corey just yet but I could tell he was getting antsy. A week goes by and we still have no resolution to his problem. He doesn’t want me to be a chump, so officering to pick him up was out of the question.

I went out to Karaoke one night with Matt and I had a few too many. (In Jayne world that means I had two beers.) I got drunk and stupid and decided to call Corey. We had been chatting for about a month and we still hadn’t spoken on the phone. It was 11pm, I was drunk, and calling a potential husband. I was smiling, giddy, and making absolutely no sense. Oh, did I mention Corey didn’t answer and I left him a voicemail? NEVER LEAVE A DRUNKEN VOICEMAIL! Turns out Corey was at work, he called back about 20 minutes later. I was embarrassed and not as drunk as I thought.

Corey had a sexy voice. Masculine and caring all at the same time! We laughed off my drunken voicemail and chatted for a couple hours. I felt like I was in high school talking with the quarterback. My giddiness soon wore off. Towards the end of the conversation Corey was becoming more and more aggressive towards me. You know the type- over complimenting. Everyone loves a good compliment, but geez, I’m certainly not perfect. Then it happened. The kiss of death. I couldn’t believe my ears. Did I hear him correctly?

Me:  What?

Corey: I told myself not to say that so soon.

Me: I can’t believe this.

Corey: I want to say it again!

Me: (nervously) Please don’t.

Corey: I LOVE YOU! I LOVE JAYNE!

Me: (nervously) Oh Corey.

Corey: I’m not hanging up until you say it back!

Me: I don’t think…

Corey: SAY IT!

Me: Uhh…sure… I lovuuurbss ya.

Corey: THAT WASN’T A WORD!

Me: (nervously) Okay, well I need to get to bed now.

Corey: I LOVE YOU! 

Me: …Byeee…. *click*

JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST. What just happened? I can’t believe he said that. You would think after all that I would delete the conversations, phone number, and never look back. I didn’t delete Corey. I was intrigued. I can’t explain why I didn’t run. I’ve never experienced love like this, so juvenile.

Matt and I had to go to Cleveland for a friend’s one man show. I figured this would be a good time to meet Corey. Apparently I take my best friend on my first dates. Corey met us at the club. He was tall, awkward, and sloppy. I was not impressed with his clothing choices, nor was I taken by his kind words. During the show I kept catching Corey staring at me. I could tell he wanted to say something but he was holding it back. Matt nervously tried to be a buffer. He could sense I was uncomfortable.

During the entirety of the evening Corey nervously touched his face. His hands were covering his mouth, eyes, nose, and chin at all times. It was off-putting, strange, and made me and Matt damn uncomfortable. We left the club feeling terrible about Corey. I hugged Corey goodbye and jumped in Matt’s car screaming “Go!” I was never so excited to get in Matt’s shitty car in my life. I hate first dates. I also hate socially awkward people.

A couple days went by and Corey revealed to me that most women stop seeing him because of how he acts in public. It wasn’t first date jitters- he is a face toucher! I was appalled. I need a man who can go out in public, interact with my friends, show me a great non-awkward time. I don’t need a man who is a face toucher.

I let Corey down as gently as I could. He was very upset considering he just told me he loved me. That was his mistake, not mine.

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