Foaming-at-the-Mouth Romance

Like I’ve said before, when it comes to crushes I usually get what I want. When I was studying my associate’s at a local community/tech college I never thought about dating. I was serious about my education, and even more serious about NOT dating someone going to a community college.

My program was Administration Technology but it could have also been calledProfessional Secretary School. I studied keyboarding (see it in action now!!), how to create properly formatted business-y letters, and the Microsoft Office suite. I enjoyed my program but I did not enjoy being surrounded by chicks. Sure their gossip was entertaining, but I was craving the attention of a dude, someone with masculine traits.

During the first week of classes I noticed a fella in my Business Ethics class, the only class not entirely made up of females. The fella, Josh, wore a backwards cap, slightly baggy jeans, and band t-shirts. “He likes Death Cab for Cutie! He’s perfect!” My criteria to be met for the perfect guy was limited to band tastes.

Josh also kind of looked like Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie. This would cause me to play their cd on repeat for weeks.

I would stare at the back of Josh’s head during the entire class-period. I daydreamed of cuddling in his (probably) twin-sized bed, going toHot Topic together, and studying cases on ethical business. One day after class I smiled at Josh. That’s all it took. He walked me out to my car and we exchanged Myspace names. You read that correctly. Myspace. Once Josh was in his car and driving away I quickly jumped out of my car and ran inside. I HAD ANOTHER CLASS! I set up the entire “Oh, won’t you walk me out to my car at 2 in the afternoon? It can be dicey this time of day.” situation. That evening there was Josh’s friend request. I quickly accepted and there was my sweet babboo waiting to chat with me. Our conversation progressed rather quickly, to be expected on Myspace. Josh told me sweet nothings of how he could picture us watching Conan O’Brian together, snuggled in his bed, going to hockey games (who knew I LOVED hockey just as much as he did! I lied.), and just hanging out with a cool chick. He daydreams were PERFECT to me. His idea of a good time was also my idea of a good time.

Doin' my best Myspace face.

Finally, after a week of flirting in class, Josh asked me out on Myspace. He had mentioned to me he was low on cash and would I mind going to Wendy’s for dinner then to the Dollar movie theater? Of course I didn’t mind! What an insanely indie cool date to have with a guy. (Back then this was a perfectly acceptable date. Today-hell no.) We decided to go after class, which prompted me to skip the class I had after our ethics class. Clearly there was nothing ethical about that decision. Zing! I was incredibly nervous on my date with Josh. My stomach was turning, I was hot, and I couldn’t speak at all. All I ordered from the large selection on the Wendy’s dollar menu was chicken nuggets and a small Frosty. Josh ordered fries, Frosty, and a Jr. bacon cheeseburger. I started noticing Josh. How gross he was…

Not okay for a first date, okay?

He smacked his lips. He got food all over his face when he ate. He was a heavy breather. He didn’t carry a conversation very well at all. He wasn’t that cute close up. And..is that…no. Does he have…foamy white shit in the corner of his mouth. FUUUUUUUCK.

I couldn’t believe the low opinion I formed of Josh in the 20 minutes of eating at Wendy’s. We had to go, though, to make our movie, Just Friends. The irony of the movie didn’t NOT phase me. Josh edged his hand towards mine in the theater, but still afraid to be touched by a boy I jammed my free hand into the pocket of my hoodie. (I wore a hoodie on the first date!? Oh Jayne.) As much as I tried to enjoy the movie I just kept thinking about Josh wanting to kiss me at the end of the date. We left the theater remarking on how hilarious the movie was (I own it and I am STILL amazed at how hilarious it is) and I asked Josh to drive me back to my car, which was parked at Cord Camera.

When we got to Cord Camera I unbuckled my seat beat, thanked Josh for a great evening, and opened my door. I could see Josh unbuckling his seat belt and getting out of the car. I panicked. I ran. I RAN TO MY CAR. As I hurriedly opened my car door I screamed “THANKS!” in the most horrendous voice. I could not let the mouth-foamer kiss me! I got sick thinking of his foamy white spit getting into my mouth as we exchanged tongues. Pulling out of my parking spot I noticed Josh, confused, slowly getting back into his car.

A literal example of what I thought would happen to me if I were to kiss the mouth-foamer.

Josh and I stuck out the rest of Business Ethics that quarter. We even had to work on a group project together, where I found out he was incredibly dumb. We parted our ways for summer. Then…he called. He wanted a second date. Feeling vulnerable I decided to give him a second chance because maybe I was wrong about him. We met at a bowling ally for Round 2. Realizing we had an hour to kill before the ally opened I suggested we go to Barnes and Noble. Getting a peak at his literature taste would prove to me if I made a mistake. NOPE. No mistake there. The first book he picked up was about infamous murders. No thanks, pal. We got back to the bowling ally with a half-hour to spare. I apologized to Josh, telling him how I babysat that day and I was EXHAUSTED! I lied. Josh’s spit was in full swing that day and I just couldn’t bear to see him anymore. We parted ways. Forever.

I should have never written Josh off so quickly. He was the only guy who ever shared an interest in actually being my boyfriend. But could I look past the foamy mouth? No.

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Factory-Made Romance

I used to work in a car manufacturing factory. My stint in the auto industry lasted me 4 fulfilling months, where I learned I could maybe be loved again someday.

When I set my eyes on a guy I find attractive I usually get what I want. It doesn’t take me very long to get the attention of my crush, batting my eyelashes, laughing at his hilarious (offensive!) jokes, showing interest in his “band.” Men love to be complimented and I am a pro at doing it.

I went into work one day, feeling pretty good about looking good in jeans, t-shirt, and steel-toe boots. Not very many people can rock that look. Going into the section of the plant my crew worked we found out our machine would be shut down for the day, and we were moved to another part of the factory to work on a new car part.

Working, I noticed a young man I hadn’t seen before driving around my work area on a fork-lift. He was very attractive, dark hair, goatee, red t-shirt. He waved at someone he knew, flashed an adorable smile. Luckily I was working next to a Drew Carey-like fella that the fork-lift driver knew, so when he stopped to talk to his friend I was pleased.Drew moved* on to another part of the machine around the corner and I took over for him. Goatee stuck around, chatting with me about music, working at the factory, and general niceties. I was smitten. My entire crew could tell I was smitten.

This should read "Caution: If you don't look both ways before crossing in a factory one of these can rip your body in half. Don't you remember that safety video they showed you in orientation? The one that horrified you so much you had to step out of the conference room and run to the bathroom and splash water on your face? Be careful, girl!"

For the course of three weeks Goatee and I talked any chance we could. When he would get a break from lifting stuff he would drive over to my section and talk with me. Usually our conversations contained me yelling over the machine and him laughing at me making potentially dangerous mistakes in car parts. On my lunch-break I would text Goatee to come sit with me, and like a well-trained puppy he would comply. I was excited to be getting so much attention from practically a stranger. I was excited to go into work every day, looking forward to seeing my new friend.

If there is one thing I learned from When Harry Met Sally besides Billy Crystal (was) is a fox, is that men and women can’t just be friends. I knew Goatee would eventually want to hook up, or at least fool around. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, but I hadn’t been with anyone since Felon. You remember him, right? I was scared to make a move with Goatee. He showed me he was interested but I didn’t know how to cautiously react. I was scared of getting hurt, scared of being a factory whore, scared in general.

One day, towards the end of our shift I got a text from Goatee. He told me he was getting off his shift soon and he was going to come over and see me. I text back with an adorable emoticon, which spoke more of my intelligence and playful attitude I’m sure. Goatee then responded with a text that made my heart race, a text that my eyes didn’t want to believe. He typed something to the effect (this was years ago, I can’t really remember) of “What would you do if I were to kiss you?” I couldn’t stop smiling, rereading the text to make sure I wasn’t reading “I hate you, you smell.” I replied with “I would be happy.” Soon I saw Goatee walking towards me, smiling. My heart was racing, I couldn’t breath, I was trembling. The bell rang signaling the end of our shift. I didn’t know what to do so I asked Goatee to walk with me to the restroom. Like a good puppy he complied. He walked me to the top of the stairwell to the restroom and I began to descend the stairs. Suddenly, without another thought, I turned around and looked up to Goatee. I heard myself say “Come down here and kiss me.” as i pointed to my lips (just so there was no misunderstanding??) He walked down the steps, pulled me close, and kissed me passionately. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He belted out nervously “I have to go put my fork-lift away!” and walked up the stairs.

Who knew a restroom could be the site of romance?

I couldn’t believe what just happened. I was JUST kissed in a car factory. It was romantic, silly, and perfect. Goatee and I fooled around for the remainder of my time at the factory. We still keep in touch through drunken-texts and the courtesy of Facebook.

*FYI: In a(n) (American) factory everything is set up to be ergonomically correct. You work in rotation, so you are never in one area for more than 15 minutes.

Crushin’ on Stanley Tucci

Those glasses! That beard! The LOOK!

I crush on celebrities that aren’t exactly mainstream. My “list” of celebrities I can sleep with at an given time, no repercussions, ranges from Steve Buscemi to Horatio Sanz.

I first started crushin’ on Stanley when I watched The Terminal (cute movie!). I have been hooked since, he is absolutely gorgeous. Stanley looks like the kind of guy who would send me adorably hilarious socks instead of chocolates. Might I add his voice is incredibly attractive. If there is one thing I am drawn to with men it is their voice. No joke I have a major crush on Brian from Family Guy, simply because of his voice. No, not Seth Macfarlane. That would make way too much sense.

Brian Griffin

Super Bowl Dip!

This may come a surprise to you (or maybe not) but I love watching the Super Bowl. Of course I love watching the commercials but I also love watching grown men cry.

So in the spirit of the Super Bowl being this Sunday I am posting one of my favorite Taco Dip recipes. I was a HUGE fan of Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show when I was younger, which is where I first learned of the recipe.

My girl, Rosie

Taco Dip Recipe

  • 1 (12 ounce) jar salsa
  • 1 (16 ounce) can re-fried beans (the original recipe calls for canned chili. I prefer re-fried beans)
  • 8 ounces cream cheese
  • 16 ounces sour cream
  • 8 ounces shredded Mexican cheese

Directions

  1. Heat oven to 350 degrees
  2. Mix together salsa and re-fried beans in bowl.
  3. In a another bowl combine sour cream and cream cheese.
  4. In a casserole dish layer as follows:.
  5. white mixture.
  6. red mixture.
  7. shredded cheese.
  8. Repeat layers, ending with cheese. Place in oven until hot and cheese is melted. Do not mix layers.
  9. Serve with tortilla chips.

And that’s it! Super simple and delicious.  To freshen it up a bit top with green onions and fresh tomatoes or guacamole. Practically anything can be added to this recipe, which is half the fun. Olives, lettuce, corn salsa, onion, whatever!

I hope everyone has a fun Super Bowl Sunday!

Is that raw meat??