Like I’ve said before, when it comes to crushes I usually get what I want. When I was studying my associate’s at a local community/tech college I never thought about dating. I was serious about my education, and even more serious about NOT dating someone going to a community college.
My program was Administration Technology but it could have also been calledProfessional Secretary School. I studied keyboarding (see it in action now!!), how to create properly formatted business-y letters, and the Microsoft Office suite. I enjoyed my program but I did not enjoy being surrounded by chicks. Sure their gossip was entertaining, but I was craving the attention of a dude, someone with masculine traits.
During the first week of classes I noticed a fella in my Business Ethics class, the only class not entirely made up of females. The fella, Josh, wore a backwards cap, slightly baggy jeans, and band t-shirts. “He likes Death Cab for Cutie! He’s perfect!” My criteria to be met for the perfect guy was limited to band tastes.
I would stare at the back of Josh’s head during the entire class-period. I daydreamed of cuddling in his (probably) twin-sized bed, going toHot Topic together, and studying cases on ethical business. One day after class I smiled at Josh. That’s all it took. He walked me out to my car and we exchanged Myspace names. You read that correctly. Myspace. Once Josh was in his car and driving away I quickly jumped out of my car and ran inside. I HAD ANOTHER CLASS! I set up the entire “Oh, won’t you walk me out to my car at 2 in the afternoon? It can be dicey this time of day.” situation. That evening there was Josh’s friend request. I quickly accepted and there was my sweet babboo waiting to chat with me. Our conversation progressed rather quickly, to be expected on Myspace. Josh told me sweet nothings of how he could picture us watching Conan O’Brian together, snuggled in his bed, going to hockey games (who knew I LOVED hockey just as much as he did! I lied.), and just hanging out with a cool chick. He daydreams were PERFECT to me. His idea of a good time was also my idea of a good time.
Finally, after a week of flirting in class, Josh asked me out on Myspace. He had mentioned to me he was low on cash and would I mind going to Wendy’s for dinner then to the Dollar movie theater? Of course I didn’t mind! What an insanely indie cool date to have with a guy. (Back then this was a perfectly acceptable date. Today-hell no.) We decided to go after class, which prompted me to skip the class I had after our ethics class. Clearly there was nothing ethical about that decision. Zing! I was incredibly nervous on my date with Josh. My stomach was turning, I was hot, and I couldn’t speak at all. All I ordered from the large selection on the Wendy’s dollar menu was chicken nuggets and a small Frosty. Josh ordered fries, Frosty, and a Jr. bacon cheeseburger. I started noticing Josh. How gross he was…
He smacked his lips. He got food all over his face when he ate. He was a heavy breather. He didn’t carry a conversation very well at all. He wasn’t that cute close up. And..is that…no. Does he have…foamy white shit in the corner of his mouth. FUUUUUUUCK.
I couldn’t believe the low opinion I formed of Josh in the 20 minutes of eating at Wendy’s. We had to go, though, to make our movie, Just Friends. The irony of the movie didn’t NOT phase me. Josh edged his hand towards mine in the theater, but still afraid to be touched by a boy I jammed my free hand into the pocket of my hoodie. (I wore a hoodie on the first date!? Oh Jayne.) As much as I tried to enjoy the movie I just kept thinking about Josh wanting to kiss me at the end of the date. We left the theater remarking on how hilarious the movie was (I own it and I am STILL amazed at how hilarious it is) and I asked Josh to drive me back to my car, which was parked at Cord Camera.
When we got to Cord Camera I unbuckled my seat beat, thanked Josh for a great evening, and opened my door. I could see Josh unbuckling his seat belt and getting out of the car. I panicked. I ran. I RAN TO MY CAR. As I hurriedly opened my car door I screamed “THANKS!” in the most horrendous voice. I could not let the mouth-foamer kiss me! I got sick thinking of his foamy white spit getting into my mouth as we exchanged tongues. Pulling out of my parking spot I noticed Josh, confused, slowly getting back into his car.
Josh and I stuck out the rest of Business Ethics that quarter. We even had to work on a group project together, where I found out he was incredibly dumb. We parted our ways for summer. Then…he called. He wanted a second date. Feeling vulnerable I decided to give him a second chance because maybe I was wrong about him. We met at a bowling ally for Round 2. Realizing we had an hour to kill before the ally opened I suggested we go to Barnes and Noble. Getting a peak at his literature taste would prove to me if I made a mistake. NOPE. No mistake there. The first book he picked up was about infamous murders. No thanks, pal. We got back to the bowling ally with a half-hour to spare. I apologized to Josh, telling him how I babysat that day and I was EXHAUSTED! I lied. Josh’s spit was in full swing that day and I just couldn’t bear to see him anymore. We parted ways. Forever.
I should have never written Josh off so quickly. He was the only guy who ever shared an interest in actually being my boyfriend. But could I look past the foamy mouth? No.